Sessions 28-31

Sessions 28, 29, 30, 31,

Go figure, but as the end of sessions drew near my interest in writing waned. Perhaps it was the lovely weather. Last Wednesday is blurry. The weather was beautiful and my late afternoon session was on time. Thursday was at 11 and Patrick came with me. How that happened is an interesting story for another time, but I was delighted. In the young person way he took it all in stride and I delivered him up to a Notes meeting after we were done at Sunnybrook. It was a one day work week for me after a week off which was good but kind of disorienting. Being a part time employee with a Blackberry makes one part actor in the play and part voyeur in the workplace. I think reading emails when off a lot is not a good thing.

We had a long Easter weekend of glorious weather as most of you reading this know. For me it was also a three day break from sessions but with only four left it hardly mattered. Friday night Cherie and I and our friends Dan and Ruth went to see ART at the St Lawrence Centre. It was an interesting, even riveting, take on male friendship, triangulation in relationships, art and ego .Lately the words of Fritz Perls have been popping into mind, not just any words but the mantra that,” I am not in this world to meet your expectations and you are not in this world to meet mine etc.” This “prayer” has been mocked/criticized as the sociopath’s prayer focusing on the implied permission to do whatever I want regardless of the cost to others. But it was created for white western liberal intellectuals wrapped in a deeply entrenched sense of obligation to do the right thing by others. In Art we see interesting tensions played out as Marc who hates modern art is outraged that his old friend Serge has the audacity to pay a very large sum of money for a white on white abstract canvas. His view is unabashedly that Serge should meet his expectations while Serge though not as much a bulldozer believes he has something good. Throw a younger man in the mix who is all about pleasing everybody and you have lots of humour and pathos as the triangles slip, slide and lurch crazily around the stage. It’s a lot like what has gone on in my head most of my adult life and I’m sure lots of other people’s too whether they chose to admit it or not.

Strangely going through this experience has served to calm my inner chatter somewhat. It’s not that I have mellowed out completely and I am now philosophical about everything. I still want things. People still make me mad. I can still be fearful but I am at least for the moment less divided internally. I won’t go so far as to say more integrated just yet. Maybe it is just a function of going every day and seeing so many people be ill and vulnerable in one place. It is so humbling. When people compliment me on how well I am handling all this I know because I see it every time I go to Sunnybrook that what I am dealing with is nothing compared to some of my fellow patients.

Yesterday I was really late for my session for the fist time in 31 sessions. Partly I left late and partly it was parking hell at Sunnybrook. I went straight there instead of Sunnybrook instead of CNIB because I wasn’t sure they would be open on Easter Monday. I could have checked but I didn’t. The receptionist rebuked me very gently by asking me to be on time next time. Of course I bristled but managed to contain myself pretty much. When I apologized to the crew they said it didn’t matter because they were a little late too. I have learned so much about grace from this crew.

Today was my last review. The doctor was not there and I admit I felt a little cheated though my nurse is competent and very nice. I found out I get my follow up appointment on Thursday and when I asked she told me that typically they would keep on following me. I protested because I don’t want to give up my 7 years with Rajiv Singal for a doctor, who although very nice, I barely know. The nurse was a little surprised and said most people want to stay on. She allowed that once we get through the first few months I could perhaps alternate. I’ll have to think about that. She advised me to consider myself as cured while I’m waiting for my first PSA result. I doubt if I can pull that off but I’m pretty sure I can forget about the whole business until a week before I get tested. Denial can be so functional. By the way I have built the better bird feeding station which with any luck is squirrel proof. By, by the way I'm going back to imodium. That metamucil is disgusting. In two weeks and two days the side effects will wane.