It’s all over but the testing. As yesterday I arrived early and was in and out very quickly. Most of the regulars were there on the radiation therapy team and I was glad about the chance to give my gift and card to them. They received it graciously but had not opened the card when I left. I was a little disappointed in that and gave myself a talk to remind me that they have many, many patients and their warmth and individuation of me doesn’t mean I’m special. I am going to miss them.
I got my follow up appointment slip for July 22 and a voucher for blood work which apparently has to be done at Sunnybrook. Too bad because it’s much less handy than my local lab. Leaving for the last time I looked around the atrium and felt my distancing happening. When I come back I’m sure it will feel like returning to a school you went to where it’s familiar but you don’t belong. I know it sounds bizarre but I feel let down about it being over. It was good to hear from a friend who has been through the same experience for breast cancer that she too enjoyed the caring and felt a sense of loss and let down at the end. There is some crazy comfort in the routine and good things happened as a result of it. Probably the best was driving Cherie and my son Patrick to work several times. We had the time together and both of them were very appreciative.
As soon as I turned the corner onto Bayview Avenue for my walk to CNIB I began the anticipatory process for getting the news on July 22nd. Perhaps it was because it was a cold rainy day, hard enough after the unusually good weather we’ve had, but I quickly got to a bad news place and shut off the rehearsal. These rehearsals take the form of imaginary conversations with Dr. Szumacher. In my first one she has a big smile and announces that my PSA is zero. In effect I’m cured. I find this course too difficult to stay on because of my fear of being crushed if I am too optimistic. That meant the cure fantasy was immediately followed by a second dialogue in which my PSA has actually risen slightly and she recommends a return to hormone suppressants. After that I focused on tuning in to my surroundings and imagined going into the ravine to look for fiddleheads.
As disconnected as this sounds it comes from a memory of a friend, Doug, and I being in the ravine behind Sunnybrook picking fiddleheads many years ago. Somehow he learned it was place they could be found and with pleasant childhood memories of picking and eating them I joined him readily. We gave it up when it was clearly no longer a secret place because we were joined by dozens of others. Then a memory of reading a piece that fiddleheads are carcinogenic popped into my mind. Fortunately I reached CNIB and was distracted by that experience. Maybe, just maybe, I will make a donation to CNIB in view of all the money they saved me on parking.
Post Script
I haven’t decided yet if I will keep this up during the waiting period. I am thinking probably yes but at less frequent intervals when I feel the need or think I might actually have something to say. The trouble is that to be in the state of denial which puts me back into a more ordinary life I need to stay away from reflection. On the other hand some of it will undoubtedly happen. I can’t always push down the fear and that is probably a good thing. To those of you who have been kind enough to read my blog so far thank you.
Peter
Friday, April 9, 2010
session 32
This was my second last session and I can feel myself beginning to separate from the experience with help from everybody from reception to the therapists. I mean by this that everybody brought it up as soon as I met them. My 5:10 appointment was ahead of schedule and since I was there early I was out at 5:15. After that I headed over to Gus and Suzi’s for a brief visit and played some basketball. I enjoy the remarks about what trooper I am but I feel a little fraudulent when I get them .The truth is that apart from the minor physical issues I’ve describe it hasn’t been that tough. At basketball I’m shorter on energy than is typical but the reality is that I haven’t kept up with my fitness routines through this so who knows which has the most impact on my level of energy. Next week, weather permitting I’ll be back into regular cycling to work. Today I bought some chocolates and candies and a thank you card for the therapists.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Sessions 28-31
Sessions 28, 29, 30, 31,
Go figure, but as the end of sessions drew near my interest in writing waned. Perhaps it was the lovely weather. Last Wednesday is blurry. The weather was beautiful and my late afternoon session was on time. Thursday was at 11 and Patrick came with me. How that happened is an interesting story for another time, but I was delighted. In the young person way he took it all in stride and I delivered him up to a Notes meeting after we were done at Sunnybrook. It was a one day work week for me after a week off which was good but kind of disorienting. Being a part time employee with a Blackberry makes one part actor in the play and part voyeur in the workplace. I think reading emails when off a lot is not a good thing.
We had a long Easter weekend of glorious weather as most of you reading this know. For me it was also a three day break from sessions but with only four left it hardly mattered. Friday night Cherie and I and our friends Dan and Ruth went to see ART at the St Lawrence Centre. It was an interesting, even riveting, take on male friendship, triangulation in relationships, art and ego .Lately the words of Fritz Perls have been popping into mind, not just any words but the mantra that,” I am not in this world to meet your expectations and you are not in this world to meet mine etc.” This “prayer” has been mocked/criticized as the sociopath’s prayer focusing on the implied permission to do whatever I want regardless of the cost to others. But it was created for white western liberal intellectuals wrapped in a deeply entrenched sense of obligation to do the right thing by others. In Art we see interesting tensions played out as Marc who hates modern art is outraged that his old friend Serge has the audacity to pay a very large sum of money for a white on white abstract canvas. His view is unabashedly that Serge should meet his expectations while Serge though not as much a bulldozer believes he has something good. Throw a younger man in the mix who is all about pleasing everybody and you have lots of humour and pathos as the triangles slip, slide and lurch crazily around the stage. It’s a lot like what has gone on in my head most of my adult life and I’m sure lots of other people’s too whether they chose to admit it or not.
Strangely going through this experience has served to calm my inner chatter somewhat. It’s not that I have mellowed out completely and I am now philosophical about everything. I still want things. People still make me mad. I can still be fearful but I am at least for the moment less divided internally. I won’t go so far as to say more integrated just yet. Maybe it is just a function of going every day and seeing so many people be ill and vulnerable in one place. It is so humbling. When people compliment me on how well I am handling all this I know because I see it every time I go to Sunnybrook that what I am dealing with is nothing compared to some of my fellow patients.
Yesterday I was really late for my session for the fist time in 31 sessions. Partly I left late and partly it was parking hell at Sunnybrook. I went straight there instead of Sunnybrook instead of CNIB because I wasn’t sure they would be open on Easter Monday. I could have checked but I didn’t. The receptionist rebuked me very gently by asking me to be on time next time. Of course I bristled but managed to contain myself pretty much. When I apologized to the crew they said it didn’t matter because they were a little late too. I have learned so much about grace from this crew.
Today was my last review. The doctor was not there and I admit I felt a little cheated though my nurse is competent and very nice. I found out I get my follow up appointment on Thursday and when I asked she told me that typically they would keep on following me. I protested because I don’t want to give up my 7 years with Rajiv Singal for a doctor, who although very nice, I barely know. The nurse was a little surprised and said most people want to stay on. She allowed that once we get through the first few months I could perhaps alternate. I’ll have to think about that. She advised me to consider myself as cured while I’m waiting for my first PSA result. I doubt if I can pull that off but I’m pretty sure I can forget about the whole business until a week before I get tested. Denial can be so functional. By the way I have built the better bird feeding station which with any luck is squirrel proof. By, by the way I'm going back to imodium. That metamucil is disgusting. In two weeks and two days the side effects will wane.
Go figure, but as the end of sessions drew near my interest in writing waned. Perhaps it was the lovely weather. Last Wednesday is blurry. The weather was beautiful and my late afternoon session was on time. Thursday was at 11 and Patrick came with me. How that happened is an interesting story for another time, but I was delighted. In the young person way he took it all in stride and I delivered him up to a Notes meeting after we were done at Sunnybrook. It was a one day work week for me after a week off which was good but kind of disorienting. Being a part time employee with a Blackberry makes one part actor in the play and part voyeur in the workplace. I think reading emails when off a lot is not a good thing.
We had a long Easter weekend of glorious weather as most of you reading this know. For me it was also a three day break from sessions but with only four left it hardly mattered. Friday night Cherie and I and our friends Dan and Ruth went to see ART at the St Lawrence Centre. It was an interesting, even riveting, take on male friendship, triangulation in relationships, art and ego .Lately the words of Fritz Perls have been popping into mind, not just any words but the mantra that,” I am not in this world to meet your expectations and you are not in this world to meet mine etc.” This “prayer” has been mocked/criticized as the sociopath’s prayer focusing on the implied permission to do whatever I want regardless of the cost to others. But it was created for white western liberal intellectuals wrapped in a deeply entrenched sense of obligation to do the right thing by others. In Art we see interesting tensions played out as Marc who hates modern art is outraged that his old friend Serge has the audacity to pay a very large sum of money for a white on white abstract canvas. His view is unabashedly that Serge should meet his expectations while Serge though not as much a bulldozer believes he has something good. Throw a younger man in the mix who is all about pleasing everybody and you have lots of humour and pathos as the triangles slip, slide and lurch crazily around the stage. It’s a lot like what has gone on in my head most of my adult life and I’m sure lots of other people’s too whether they chose to admit it or not.
Strangely going through this experience has served to calm my inner chatter somewhat. It’s not that I have mellowed out completely and I am now philosophical about everything. I still want things. People still make me mad. I can still be fearful but I am at least for the moment less divided internally. I won’t go so far as to say more integrated just yet. Maybe it is just a function of going every day and seeing so many people be ill and vulnerable in one place. It is so humbling. When people compliment me on how well I am handling all this I know because I see it every time I go to Sunnybrook that what I am dealing with is nothing compared to some of my fellow patients.
Yesterday I was really late for my session for the fist time in 31 sessions. Partly I left late and partly it was parking hell at Sunnybrook. I went straight there instead of Sunnybrook instead of CNIB because I wasn’t sure they would be open on Easter Monday. I could have checked but I didn’t. The receptionist rebuked me very gently by asking me to be on time next time. Of course I bristled but managed to contain myself pretty much. When I apologized to the crew they said it didn’t matter because they were a little late too. I have learned so much about grace from this crew.
Today was my last review. The doctor was not there and I admit I felt a little cheated though my nurse is competent and very nice. I found out I get my follow up appointment on Thursday and when I asked she told me that typically they would keep on following me. I protested because I don’t want to give up my 7 years with Rajiv Singal for a doctor, who although very nice, I barely know. The nurse was a little surprised and said most people want to stay on. She allowed that once we get through the first few months I could perhaps alternate. I’ll have to think about that. She advised me to consider myself as cured while I’m waiting for my first PSA result. I doubt if I can pull that off but I’m pretty sure I can forget about the whole business until a week before I get tested. Denial can be so functional. By the way I have built the better bird feeding station which with any luck is squirrel proof. By, by the way I'm going back to imodium. That metamucil is disgusting. In two weeks and two days the side effects will wane.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Session 27, March 30
Session 27
Today was Tuesday, a review day. I saw the nurse and declined to see the doctor. She advised me to stop taking Imodium and try Metamucil. Did I say I was taking Imodium? What’s this, I ask, “Isn’t that to make you loose?” The nurse told me that it my situation by soaking up liquid in the gut it can make you regular. I’m going to try it so we’ll see. She advised me to do lots of kegles, something I’ve had to do before so I’ll get right on to that I also learned that the effects of the radiation which are largely inflammation last about two weeks after the last treatment.
Only 6 more to go but will be another eight weeks after that before I know if all this agro actually achieved anything. I had a whole line of questioning on this subject which went right out of my head but I can ask many questions next week at my last review. Yes that’s right it’s all over next Thursday. What will I do with myself? After treatment I went to Rona and found my flange. I had to go back again and exchange it because I bought one size too large. I thought I was so smart because I used a Vernier caliper to measure the pipe. It turns out I know shit about using one. I was actually worried my flange was too big and yes my tongue is in my cheek.
Today was Tuesday, a review day. I saw the nurse and declined to see the doctor. She advised me to stop taking Imodium and try Metamucil. Did I say I was taking Imodium? What’s this, I ask, “Isn’t that to make you loose?” The nurse told me that it my situation by soaking up liquid in the gut it can make you regular. I’m going to try it so we’ll see. She advised me to do lots of kegles, something I’ve had to do before so I’ll get right on to that I also learned that the effects of the radiation which are largely inflammation last about two weeks after the last treatment.
Only 6 more to go but will be another eight weeks after that before I know if all this agro actually achieved anything. I had a whole line of questioning on this subject which went right out of my head but I can ask many questions next week at my last review. Yes that’s right it’s all over next Thursday. What will I do with myself? After treatment I went to Rona and found my flange. I had to go back again and exchange it because I bought one size too large. I thought I was so smart because I used a Vernier caliper to measure the pipe. It turns out I know shit about using one. I was actually worried my flange was too big and yes my tongue is in my cheek.
Session 26 March 29
Session 26
Nothing too remarkable about today except that it was the quickest session yet. I was in and out in less than half an hour and it could have been quicker if I had been ready quicker. I couldn’t find an empty locker and wound up use part of someone else’s. Overall I continue to feel pretty good except for some gastric upsets. It’s embarrassing to admit but I am also having trouble controlling my bladder, inflammation of some nerves or muscles or maybe both. Also getting so piles but not too severe; enough of that.
I saw the young man at CNIB who told me I shouldn’t be parking there but he just smiled and nodded from behind his reception desk. Later in the day I began my attempt to build a more squirrel proof bird feeder with a trip down to a scarp yard to by a piece of 10 foot pipe. I didn’t find it there or at the building supply store they sent me to but the electrical supply store they sent me too had exactly what I wanted. Now all I need is a flange for the end of the pipe. That will be yet another voyage of discovery. With the weather getting warmed again and me with time that has to be taken before March 31 it’s a great time to be out of doors and playing.
Nothing too remarkable about today except that it was the quickest session yet. I was in and out in less than half an hour and it could have been quicker if I had been ready quicker. I couldn’t find an empty locker and wound up use part of someone else’s. Overall I continue to feel pretty good except for some gastric upsets. It’s embarrassing to admit but I am also having trouble controlling my bladder, inflammation of some nerves or muscles or maybe both. Also getting so piles but not too severe; enough of that.
I saw the young man at CNIB who told me I shouldn’t be parking there but he just smiled and nodded from behind his reception desk. Later in the day I began my attempt to build a more squirrel proof bird feeder with a trip down to a scarp yard to by a piece of 10 foot pipe. I didn’t find it there or at the building supply store they sent me to but the electrical supply store they sent me too had exactly what I wanted. Now all I need is a flange for the end of the pipe. That will be yet another voyage of discovery. With the weather getting warmed again and me with time that has to be taken before March 31 it’s a great time to be out of doors and playing.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Session 25
Today I had a long lunch with my old friend Bob, who then drove me to my treatment appointment. This continues the theme from yesterday with the warmth and pleasure of friendship keeping the cancer and the radiation in perspective. Yes that's true Bob even with our gloomy conversation about the failures of the Liberal party, the fear of the Harper crew and our regaling each other with our illness stories. I arrived early and had to wait quite a long time because they were late. I didn't mind. It was Friday and I had two days off. Best of all I already knew Cherie was coming to pick me up and when she did, apologizing because traffic was bad I didn't care. I was happy just to see her.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Session 24
Session 24 March 25
Today is Pat’s birthday and would have liked to do breakfast for him but instead I dropped Cherie at work and went for treatment. It was fast, less than an hour in and out. I headed back home but Pat was gone already. I felt down and tired and puttered around doing not much for awhile. I knew I had to clean up to go to a retirement event for Liz Janzen, a wonderful nurse retiring from long service in leadership roles at Public Health. I sat with Liz on the Board of the Woman Abuse Council of Toronto and knew her as an excellent person. Following that it was on to a restaurant to meet the rest of the family for our traditional birthday dinner out followed by cake and presents at home. After talking to Cherie on the phone I realized she was going to be up against it coming home at 6 to bake cakes (there are always 2 cakes because of my diet restrictions). I decided to surprise her by doing the baking but in the end I had to let her in on it because I didn’t know where the recipe for her excellent carrot cake was. Still I did it and I got in to it. Fatigue fell away driven out by virtue and a sense of adventure. Cherie is an excellent baker. I got it all done and everything seemed okay. I sampled mine, baker’s privilege, cleaned up, put up the birthday banner and took the car to Cherie. She dropped me at Gerrard and Coxwell for the streetcar and headed home to frost the birthday cake. It was lovely to have a half hour on the streetcar. Many people don’t like transit but for me it is privileged time. I read, I do puzzles, I listen to my IPod and I observe the other passengers. Sometimes I even have conversations. I regard the time as a gift.
The event was fun as colleagues of Liz paid tribute, often in humorous ways. I was sad that no one told of her huge contribution to WACT but I also realized that it was one a many things where she made a difference for people who were not getting equity and inclusion in society. It was also good that my daughter in law Sara was there and a friend, Linda, from ballroom dancing. In an amazing small world experience it turned out that Liz’s daughter is a friend of Sara and my sons. After that it was birthday dinner at a new east end restaurant Cherie discovered and which worked out very well. I heard an amazing story from Patrick about how he had scored the winning basket at the buzzer in the league he and Matt play in. This had happened about an hour earlier and what a birthday present. Cherie had used her extra time to pick them up at the gym and we all made it in good time with Sara driving the two of us. So complicated but it worked so well. At home my cake was approved and Patrick loved his new computer speakers and two new games for PS3. So much excellent family and friend life. It puts the radiation in perspective.
Today is Pat’s birthday and would have liked to do breakfast for him but instead I dropped Cherie at work and went for treatment. It was fast, less than an hour in and out. I headed back home but Pat was gone already. I felt down and tired and puttered around doing not much for awhile. I knew I had to clean up to go to a retirement event for Liz Janzen, a wonderful nurse retiring from long service in leadership roles at Public Health. I sat with Liz on the Board of the Woman Abuse Council of Toronto and knew her as an excellent person. Following that it was on to a restaurant to meet the rest of the family for our traditional birthday dinner out followed by cake and presents at home. After talking to Cherie on the phone I realized she was going to be up against it coming home at 6 to bake cakes (there are always 2 cakes because of my diet restrictions). I decided to surprise her by doing the baking but in the end I had to let her in on it because I didn’t know where the recipe for her excellent carrot cake was. Still I did it and I got in to it. Fatigue fell away driven out by virtue and a sense of adventure. Cherie is an excellent baker. I got it all done and everything seemed okay. I sampled mine, baker’s privilege, cleaned up, put up the birthday banner and took the car to Cherie. She dropped me at Gerrard and Coxwell for the streetcar and headed home to frost the birthday cake. It was lovely to have a half hour on the streetcar. Many people don’t like transit but for me it is privileged time. I read, I do puzzles, I listen to my IPod and I observe the other passengers. Sometimes I even have conversations. I regard the time as a gift.
The event was fun as colleagues of Liz paid tribute, often in humorous ways. I was sad that no one told of her huge contribution to WACT but I also realized that it was one a many things where she made a difference for people who were not getting equity and inclusion in society. It was also good that my daughter in law Sara was there and a friend, Linda, from ballroom dancing. In an amazing small world experience it turned out that Liz’s daughter is a friend of Sara and my sons. After that it was birthday dinner at a new east end restaurant Cherie discovered and which worked out very well. I heard an amazing story from Patrick about how he had scored the winning basket at the buzzer in the league he and Matt play in. This had happened about an hour earlier and what a birthday present. Cherie had used her extra time to pick them up at the gym and we all made it in good time with Sara driving the two of us. So complicated but it worked so well. At home my cake was approved and Patrick loved his new computer speakers and two new games for PS3. So much excellent family and friend life. It puts the radiation in perspective.
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